Saturday, April 5, 2014

The roller coaster of waiting.

I have been thinking about this post for a long time, and debating about even writing it. I wanted to write about infertility and the roller coaster of trying/waiting to get pregnant.

I will be up front- I don't feel qualified to write this post in any way. It took Kley and I five months to get pregnant. I know and completely understand that there are others out there whose battles are much more hard, long, frustrating, and devastating. If you are experiencing a long and hard battle with trying to get pregnant, I feel for you. I have other friends who have been trying for a long time, and it's a hard journey of trying, waiting, and trusting Him.

I am grateful that it didn't take us longer than five months. In a way, it made it more special to actually get pregnant when we did, rather than it working on the first try. I cannot speak about seeing fertility specialists and seeking help, but I do know what it's like to feel the disappointment of seeing a negative test or getting your period.

For me, I quit taking pregnancy tests after two months. My period wasn't super consistent after stopping birth control, so I felt like I was feeling disappointment twice each month. I would feel disappointment when I took the test, but then get hopeful that it was wrong when my period was later, and then feel disappointed all over again when I got my period. My periods were also worse coming off of birth control, which made it even harder to feel content. It helped me to trust Him more by not thinking about pregnancy tests all the time, spending more money on buying them, and taking them multiple times.

Another thing that really bothered me was the advice that people gave:
"Just relax."
"It'll happen in His timing."
"It'll happen when it happens."
"Try not to think about it."
"Don't worry about it."
"Stop thinking about it and then it will happen."

I hated all of that advice. I hated it a lot and it made me feel even worse.  Even my doctor told me that, and I love my doctor. Yes, it is true that whenever you get pregnant, it is God's timing and He is perfectly sovereign over our lives. But, it can be really hard to be patient and trusting in the waiting when your timing for what you want doesn't line up with God's timing.

So, I vow never to say, "Just relax and try not to think about it" to anyone I know that's trying. The more people tell you not to think about something, the more you think about it, and a woman trying to get pregnant already spends more than enough time thinking about it.

There is a fine line between trying and trusting, and it's very hard to give advice about. It looks different for different people. Yes, you obviously still have to keep trying to get pregnant. But, you need to know yourself in what makes you worry. Is counting your days too much for you? Does taking ovulation predictor tests help ease your worries or make them more intensified? What about taking pregnancy tests?

For me, doing those things was too much. I worried and stressed too much, and it took my focus off of God. It was too hard to take ovulation predictor tests, count days exactly, and take pregnancy tests early. (I obviously counted my days enough to knew the general timing.)

I can't speak to those who have been on this journey for a long time. I pray for those of you who are, and that you have great people who can speak life into you and point you back to God. I know this is an extremely sensitive topic and one that's very heartbreaking for some. I don't want to make anyone feel bad, but I also want to talk about something that's not talked about very much. It's helpful to have people to talk to.

So, I guess I'll end on this: I'm not at all telling you to relax and stop thinking about it, because that's nearly impossible. I am trying to tell you to find what works for you. Try to discover what your limits are and what makes you worry more or less.

And, lastly, turn to God. Even if He is not granting your desire now, He still longs for you to turn to Him and give Him your tears, frustrations, and disappointment. God's plan is bigger than we will know, and sometimes that's hard to understand. Sometimes He says no or wait, but He still loves you unimaginably and endlessly.

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